Back to the winter of 64,I was at home waiting to meet  my new little toy….that’s all I do remember about how I was feeling at the time.When I realized they were home my mind was set…..I was making breakfast for my new baby , my sister.I remember scrambling to the toaster and begging  my mom and possibly my auntie, Mimi,to help me….toast was a must.It was after all my way of saying hello and comforting my confused heart.Food…that F word…here we go !  My security and comfort it all started back then.What a ride it would be…

Having lived in so many homes,well lived is a strong word,let’s say survived and barely at times.We moved at least 8 times,and people ask how I know TMR so well….

Things are unclear but what I do remember,I will share..Curly, curly hair and big brown eyes begging to make her toast…..Oh,I remember being upset ,so upset.They were trying to explain to me that she was way too young to eat toast…I argued that she must be starving….and that I’d soak it with butter make it soft…Who was starving here? The next memories were of me feeling very alone I was no longer  that apple of everyones eye…..the light was no longer shining on me it was becoming dark,very dark…. and  not only that the new toy was tiny and adorable.I was growing by the second it felt…I was no longer important.My mom made sure I felt ugly and disgusting….I was always told I was fat,fat ,fat ,fat ,fat ,fat ,fat ,fat ..I was told later on in life that she really loved me.I burst into tears……..

As  busy days pass  huge pockets of thoughts enter my mind like clouds filled with memories to share with you…..a friend asked if I jot down these ideas as they visit my busy,busy mind..my answer was no,not at all necessary as this is my life……everything is stored on my cloud!

So I’m guessing food was always something that was my security .Let’s  be honest with ourselves, well those that get this,the food was there,I could chose it ,smell it,plan it…I was the boss.More often than not I spent a lot of hours planning a pig out whether it was that day or in a week….food was the highlight.It wouldn’t disappoint me and not show up .Mind you I do remember a time in Fort Lauderdale,Florida being crushed because there were no more apple fritters left at my fave drop in drive through….ARGHHHHH…..NO! I had been dreaming of them all day long…..So my plan of action was to get up at 6 am and get there when they were plentiful and toasty warm….my partner in crime at the time could confirm this.Geez, I hope she gets to reading this one day…it’s been years.You could already feel the love and passion I have for food I do hope? Well,I must say old  habits die hard…I think of these days with a smile and a tear..back then it was all fun and games not to realize the path it was paving for me for the rest of my days….now I think about it and could honestly say there’s no more running…I have grown up length and width wise…ha..a little humour folks…at 56 I could say I am and have been out of the food closet for a very long time….

Hey,hold on now…I’m not sharing that I don’t have my moments,days where I could share that I haven’t stood and ate 5 maybe 6 cookies ( merci to my cookie visitor this week) and felt like I just couldn’t stop…….c’ mon guys I am an addict remember.The question is what in heavens name makes one be so strong,controlled and disciplined and then like a new brain has taken over all that great will desire and strength has vanished..I am slowly understanding why and you will get it as you read my journey.Thank you to each and everyone of you for tuning in and taking a few moments to read my blog,MY SCALE OF LIFE – Wait I’m happy,weight I’m not.I have wanted to write ever since I was potty trained I think….it will be quite the ride and I am so looking forward to sharing my story…a story that will make you get a glimpse into a heart that would never hurt and is working on healing.

For those that have asked instead of waiting on me to tell you when I blog just ask for an email notification to a new entry so you could continue on with me…..

Day two of my blog…  I’m feeling good.Although I must admit that when I pressed the ” publish” button my fingers turned icy and my tummy actually was gurgling …I was feeling hungry.Was I hungry for food or was I filling that void..the void crying for so much more than food…but hey this is what I have always done so….( a topic for another time as to why so strong and then so weak) I walked over to the kitchen counter and had four melba toast with peanut butter ….WOW…I stopped there and didn’t  empty the canister and wipe the jar clean……amazing…. I felt a feeling of excitement,fear and of course possible rejection..what if they hate it, what if they laugh and find it crazy? WHAT if I just stop the over thinking and embrace and enjoy the ride in hope that those that need this will find it….yes then I calmed down.Gee the chatter in my head takes up so much space..it’s draining…..exhausting.

So back to 1959…. Where it all started ….that seed had been planted and sadly carried throughout my life .That seed of rejection at such a very young age.It has taken its toll throughout my life…my very true friends have come to  get me,understand me, love me and stay with me for the ride……why they wondered was I always so needing them so close to me…forever making plans..making sure they wouldn’t run away….after all I had to know they’d still be here stil love me…

WEIGHT a minute!!! Please do not stop here…..

Why? Really why am I having this deep passionate desire to blog about FOOD- HEAD SPACE-CRAZIEST THOUGHTS EVER- the forever thermometer of living with a food issue….no matter what it is….
If you’ve ever had an issue with food …good,bad,happy or sad please jump on board and let’s share together.
I was born to write in whichever way possible .I have always had a pen or pencil in my hand…..many could remember me by my cigarette package fully covered in notes …. When I finally tossed this addictive habit I was asked most often what I would write on when in a pinch.
Yes,addictive I am.Even those closest to me have no possible idea what’s it’s like to live in my head! Exhausting to say the least….
That F( food ..fat) word …..its controlled me since I was very little….hold on! Was I ever little? I’m serious here folks…..
I feel like this blog will help many to realize they’re not insane we are very much alike but who wants to share these thoughts and be judged and spoken about behind our backs?
WEIGHT is just the topic I feel most passionate about but along with this comes hundreds of avenues into which I also feel extremely strongly about…you’ll see for yourselves …This WILL be the blog you’ll come to to read,share ,cry,laugh and most important you will never ever feel alone……
I have had many a day where I have felt alone…. where I have known that someone out there would,could understand me… but where are they? Have you ever felt this way?
Now we will have that chance to find each other….I have more in store this is only the beginning.
It all began here….summer of 59.
I was born into a family that had just received papers to adopt …after seven years they were giving up on getting pregnant.
So,after they discovered my mom was pregnant it was quite the celebration.
Summer of 59, I came into this world.the one story that still rings so loud in my mind is that my mom didn’t even hold me when I was born and her very best friend took me in her arms,this would be ” Mimi” a name I gave her of course when I finally began speaking.
This hurt me deeply,why wouldn’t a mother want to hold her new born baby in her arms?
Looking at my experience having my two girls these were absolutely the best and most cherished moments in my life….I still close my eyes and go back there.
So, you see there was a negative little seed there from the get go….and the R word was weighing heavy in my mind and eventually on my body.HEAVY..HEAVY…
R for REJECTION

Continue reading →