Scared,nervous,anxious and these were just a few of my feelings.For most it would be the best day ever to go shopping with  your mom.For myself it was truly a nightmare a dreadful day ahead.A day filled with whispers coming from my mom and the sales ladies hearing things like ” oh that will never fit her and oh she’s too large for that”. I would cry in the fitting rooms looking at the clothes I SO wanted to fit my body but they didn’t.I would even say little prayers asking that the clothes would fit me if only I could stretch them out and why didn’t they come in a bigger size? .My mom so disappointed but would  buy me anything and everything that did fit…..probably not our first choice but it fit.With this said as I write and share I have no doubt that my mom did love me and want the best for me but had no clue how to deliver this message.My wish would be for her to have lived past the age of 48 and that we come to know each other and love each other like true mother and daughter.Who knows how it would have been,I could only dream.I was thirteen when she passed .Her last words concerning  me were to have me lose weight to help me….I must admit it has been a very sad and difficult journey not having a mom, that one woman in your life that will accept you no matter what,there was no replacement in the world for that loss…….. but with this said I know many have had it much worse but this is my story..Today this explains my feeling like a monster when my weight is up to the point of feeling like I must almost stay in hiding when not in full control.As I continue to write and share it won’t be all that pretty but it will be what I’ve lived and still do live today.By sharing my closest of friends have come to understand  where my insecurities and sensitivity comes  from today.It has not always been easy for them but once they came to understand  they  loved me even more….( giggles) I have struggled with addictions to shopping as well as food in my adult life.It’s a trip I tell you and could be quite the challenge at the best of times.Today I work at controlling both.I have no doubt that both addictions have made me feel so happy and comforted but for a very short time the outcome is not worth the binge one little bit.Actually  it is much worse in so many ways.Finally,today I could say the feeling of resisting is far better than caving in….it’s gives us power,strength and great satisfaction.Today,I’ll close off with this…..be gentle on yourselves,be kind and patient.Learn from yesterday and live today and look forward to tomorrow.Surround yourself with good energy and people that bring you up not down…….we are all a work in progress and life is so very short and precious.