I’m never at a loss whether it be conversation wise or writing wise! However I was having difficulty in deciding what I wanted to share and which path to persue. So here I am in the meantime.

I am deeply touched by the amount of messages I have received asking me where I’ve been? Thank you .

So much to say about that four letter word and more…FOOD has been my best buddy and my worst enemy at the same time.

I am down 21 pounds since the new year but please trust that I talk to myself all the time.Two days ago I was driving to work giving myself a full blown speech out loud in my car. I giggled before and afterwards thinking how grateful I was that people will think I am on my blue tooth or singing. The tears….well let them think what they want.

Yes the tears and I know many of you will absolutely understand and others will wonder why the tears????

I’ll try to find the words to express the food demon inside of me since forever.I want nothing more then to see the reflection in my mirror without the bulges,creases,blubber squeezing out from my bras and waist line and of course feeling like a pile of crappy crap.Somehow this reflection also tells me that my hair looks terrible and my make up sucks and so on.

Your mood changes with every extra pound lost and gained.You’re  feeling like an emotional time bomb.I know that I’m not alone and sharing this  helps me be real and hopefully helps others know that they, you are NOT alone.

Since January something has changed for me for the better of course. In the Fall I was honestly debating throwing  it all to hell.I was done! After all maybe it was time to give it up surrender to this battle that I do live and breath. Like come on what could I possibly do now?As I share this the tears stream down my flushed cheeks…yes it’s emotional very,very emotional.My crazy mind makes up stories in my head wondering what people say ,what they think…..every time I gain or lose those same old numbers over and over and over again.

A co worker had a huge heart to heart with me and his words touched me more than he knows.He’s an amazing soul who has been a close friend for years now. We’ve always had the most intimate and  raw discussions and have had many a laugh! Our last good chat was about my weight and he told me many things but the one thing that struck a chord was saying he knew how much it bothers me but that out mutual acquaintances have never said a word and care for me no different wherever my weight may be and if anything regard me as someone who just never stops trying. This conversation with his chosen words and animation throughout  brought tears and a huge lump to my throat.

So back to the end of 2016 I was ready to just give up..had no clue which plan,diet or desperate act was next up on my list.I even joined a very well known weight loss group and thought I solved all my problems by deciding to do it on line instead of attending those meetings where everyone applauds like crazy at each persons weight loss! NO THANK YOU and what if  you had a great week and your scale went up or you stayed the same?Oh next week,you’ll see! I’ll see what? What will I see? I know what I’ll see!!! I’ll see a plate of nachos suffocated in a blend of fatty cheeses and fries and chocolate bars …that’s what I’ll see! How many nights after a weigh in did we all go and pig out….come on you hear me don’t you?

Okay so I ranted sorry….just gets my blood boiling.Now please don’t get me wrong this plan is great for many but many are not meant for this plan as well.We are all very different.

So,it’s all about mind set.This would require a whole new blog of  it’s own.Two years ago I read about this Thirty Day Healthy Living and Beyond! I thought ” nonsense” I was angry actually thinking how could someone eliminate all of those things at the same time…..Truthfully I’d rather die!

Well,feeling desperate and at the end of my witt I decided to really listen up and stop being so negative.I will share what changed for me.Most importantly I would not be alone in doing my 30 days. The support was easily accessible and private to only those committed to this and it was 24 hours a day,every day.We all shared our feelings both positive and negative as well as food recipes and amazing ideas!!!We lifted each other and rooted each other on…all through a private Facebook page. We doubt our strengths most often .A little side bar was watching a very dear friend a few years back go through a very serious and most scary and challenging surgery and afterwards feeding himself through a feeding tube as he sat day after day being such a strong and admirable soul.His journey has touched me more than he or his girlfriend even know.I cried myself to sleep many nights praying for his health,courage and strength.Which brings me to mind set and we could do anything we set our minds to doing.

So I did my thirty days and yes here I am.It changed me for many reasons.I finally don’t feel like I’m on a diet.I am simply making better wiser and healthier choices! As I am in my fifties and health issues are a huge concern as when I was younger it was mostly about just looking better! My blood tests have come back clean after adopting my new habits for almost three months now. That’s cause for celebration wouldn’t you say?

Down 15 after my 30 days and now a total of 21-23 depending ….I am learning about choices and what certain ones do to our systems,our moods and our health.Took cravings away which I never believed possible.I have my treats but I give myself permission and plan them so I don’t beat up on myself…we must live balanced after all.Don’t deprive ..plan it out…be gentle with yourself.Love yourself and stay positive and know that you are number one! 

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