FOOD! FOOD ? FOOD from childhood that F word has always been my go to.Food has always been the calm AND  the storm.It never failed me and was always there when I needed it.I stuffed it in my bedroom drawers,used all my money to buy it,of course ate it when I was happy,sad,angry,rejected and bored.Wait a minute here,I remember times  when I’d be so busy but always managed to stuff something in my mouth even while passing the vacuum.Many years ago I could eat a meal and then go through the drive thru….OH PLEASE! Don’t tell me many of you out there  haven’t done this? Then I’d top it off with some donuts or chocolate bars.Always trying to fill that void the empty hole in my gut which caused my heart to ache..Now that I’m all grown up apparently,the problem  remains but has taken a few turns.This has been my survival,it helped me get through all those lost times of feeling unimportant,unloved and unwanted….now I am loved and wanted but the pattern remains!

How to stop it is the question.How do we stop this vicious circle? Yes many struggle with their weight I know after I have made a few days of wrong choices I see the changes in the  mirror and therefore feel the whole world does also and I even think that I know what they are saying even if possibly not about me at all.I feel like I’m on display and everyone has some grumbling to do about it.

I recently decided that I would return to Weight Watchers the absolute wisest  and most healthy life style any person could live by.However that little devil peeks out once in awhile and says WHY? WHY ME? Why can’t I just eat what I want when I want ? Especially when I’m taking out my app to browse restaurants to see how many points are in the meals I want! Well the intelligent me reminds myself that it is all about planning and making room for what we want to eat.Having a plan ahead of time saves us and this way we stay on track.I know this I promise I do and then one day you decide to just have whatever and throw caution to the wind but even while doing so the guilt sits there like unwanted numbers on the scale.

This is the question I ask ? Will it ever be calm? Yes when the weight is coming off I feel great and the world is a brighter place and everything just rolls better, looks better, fits better.

Why is it such a task? Then you have  those slender people who just piss the hell out of you saying they just can’t lose those 3,4 maybe 5 pounds! OKAY SO LIVE WITH IT! Wait a minute maybe you prefer to have 50 more to lose?

Then when my mind calms down I try and understand them afterall we all have our own goals.( but I’m still mumbling under my breath)

I would like to share a few stories with you prior to marching through those doors again to be weighed  guided and supported.By the way never say never…..I swore I’d never return.Just because the last times didn’t work doesn’t mean it won’t work this time.I remind myself of the three times I tried to quit smoking and the fourth time succeeded and I’ve been smoke free for over 26 years.

Before Christmas I decided to not eat any sweets until New Years Day .Weird? Maybe,but that’s what I thought would make sense.It would limit the weight gain over these very tasty treaty holidays.Until I was shopping at the mall in a store that you would never imagine sold any food or anything  decadent that would tempt your taste buds to do the chachacha .Well as I was shopping away for a few gifts out of the wee corner of my eye I spotted the most delicious looking chunky chocolate bar I had ever seen.It was $10 or more I can’t remember because I was so excited.Guess what? It was filled with thick velvety peanut butter.I am telling you the girl at the cash I have no doubt had her finger one second away from calling security.I picked up the bar that was seducing me and began to smell it and shocked by the heaviness of it reminded myself that I wasn’t eating sweets! So,I carried on with my shopping but found myself back at the darn display with all those scrumptious bars…. again picking it up and then putting it back.Wait a minute hold on here I’ll buy it and hide it until New Years Day!! Ding dong….in the meantime the lovely girl just kept on smirking at me probably thinking I was out on a day pass. For a minute I thought she was going to tell me and my chocolate bar to get a room.So I finally caved and bought it and tucked it away to discover I had a mini sugar shack happening in my back closet .Yikes….how could I eat all of this on New  Years Day? So I decided to start nibbling by the beginning of December….and by after the holidays had gained 6-8 pounds but it felt like 20! Imagine and this was with daily exercise.One thing that I have taught myself is that because my food is off it doesn’t mean I should stop exercising …so small miracles do happen.When the  second bar managed to find my house but this time was filled with coconut and you could only imagine the excitement I felt right? It found its way to my bedroom drawer! It was even better than the peanut butter one…ya know,like a thousand macaroons dancing in your mouth and swimming in chocolate…That’s when I froze and standing in front of my drawer as if gallons of ice-cream were crushing me did I discovered the pattern from my childhood! Hiding,hoping no one would know….what was going on? My man loved me unconditionally so why? This is the question…..here we go again.

I was out for dinner with some friends let’s call them my slender friends.One was off carbs for a month to feel great on her vacation,the other two just always make the better choices but still want to lose weight and I didn’t want to be rude and check  behind their ears to see if one was hiding their weight  there as they were all slim and looking great.Yes,they love to eat but I doubt any of them use food as there therapist! So time to order…I really wanted a pizza or pasta but knew this was too heavy or did I? Afterall I was headed for the slaughter  house and I should eat anything and everything now! Wow,do you see how my head is so busy? I asked for some bread and my carb free friend had some and I felt like saying ” hey put that hot baguette down now” lol but realized this wasn’t my place and also noticed she ate half or one and then her meal was fish and grilled veggies like the other two.What did I finally order? A stupid chicken dish with linguini on the side instead of veggies.I felt so guilty and ate it feeling like a monster while my friend across the table said to me ” ya the pasta was over the top let me help you with that” I know it was a few words that she had no idea would bother me but afterall I did make the statement saying that I should have ordered veggies.After a gathering as such the thought entered my mind to go and buy something  and stuff it in my mouth but I didn’t because I have somewhat graduated.Imagine that! It’s usually a feeling of being different or rejected from  the real world.It’s weird….perhaps a comfort as to why one feels like this?

Well it lies deep as it does for so many of us.I’ve watched my friends go up and down losing and regaining dozens and hundreds of pounds.Trying every diet out there as I had done in the past as well.I so wished I could twitch my nose and make it all better but it is what it is.

Speaking of friends I have a variety from xs to xl.Why? This is who I am….I love to eat and not care and I thrive to be healthy and at a healthy weight.So very interesting ! When out with the healthy & active friends there is no question we are all eating well and have probably had a good power walk before meeting……when I’m with the others they question why I’m not having the bread or dessert rolling there eyes at times.They don’t watch at all and aren’t active and then there’s some in the  middle.I adore them all and feel strongly that I am a part of each and everyone of them.

DO NOT EVER STOP TRYING  words I’ve learned from my therapist.She doesn’t have any magic recipe either.

Finally when out with a  faithful friend she asked why I wasn’t  blogging and the reason was because I’m so upside down and all over the place and she responded with “EXACTLY why you should write it’s okay and it’s real.

Thank you my friend for inspiring me !