A collection of dollar bills…yes one dollar bills a memory in itself.All signed by friends with bets on sporting events and or a gift of good luck and safe miles for a new vehicle.It must have been the thing to do back then as she had many….and also a habit  that I inherited and often do today.Rummaging through bags one day I found a very small brown leather wallet. Opening it up with much curiosity it was my moms wallet.A little card peaking out with an emergency contact which wrote “incase of emergency please contact  Maurice Auger ..C&M Textiles”…I felt the chills running through my body as both of them were no longer here.My moms license was amongst the few papers….and I keep this in my drawer and hold it tightly every once in awhile….makes me feel her next to me and makes me wonder what it would have been like to have her .I also treasure photos and most of all my parents wedding album….I sit back and often wonder what life would have been like if their eyes hadn’t  closed so soon…..I did see my mom after she passed and was horrified as they  taped her eyes shut….it scared me.Sadly,I would  have wanted to see my dad in his last minutes as I have no doubt in my mind that something could have been done to save him…..this is definitely for another blog to come..but at the very least to say goodbye..at least .A fond memory  of a painting that once decorated the wall in the home I grew up in  was given to me awhile back by my sister…although it needs some TLC it could be re framed and made a home for one of these days to come.It will be near the clock that back in an earlier blog about the hypnotist had given my mom.It is a beautiful clock that was brought from Lebanon .So these are what I hold on to…and I guess at the end of the day nothing could be more valuable than a photo when the real memories are so foggy……the rest is materialistic so I am now at peace with this.It’s all in the past and nothing could change a thing except for my letting it all go and sharing as I am doing.I thank you for sharing in my journey and allowing this to be whatever it will ….❤️

The house was full of people rummaging through my moms personal belongings.All of her collections of dishes,platters,gifts from Lebannon and Brazil from guests that occupied our home many times over  the years.Her jewellery her favorite pieces that meant so much to her ,her hand made needlepoint chairs….all fresh for the picking.REALLY? .. Being thirteen and my sister 8 didn’t give us much say.Yes,you may ask where my father was through all of this? If anyone knew my dad at all let’s just say he did not make the best of decisions but let’s not be fooled many adults that were there grabbing  definitely knew better.If I myself had ever been a part of this as an adult I would have been ashamed  …I wonder how these people could actually come in and  grab things that were spread out on our living room table with out feeling guilty and simply wrong.I won’t go into detail of what I do remember being taken or the people who filled  the many rooms in the house but the memory is there.I could share many a story but this would just not be fair.The memory remains however I don’t dwell but as I am re telling my story this must come up.So I have no doubt that food was still my best friend.It was there it soothed the hurt.I was eating my emotions. The food wouldn’t reject me. I thought it simply comforted me….I was just filling that void,the fears,confusion and the pain ,the feelings of being alone and not belonging and simply just stuffing it in but we all  know the answer  and that this would solve nothing but however start a vicious pattern of battling with food.Such a painful and forever fight….that continues to silently sit in my shadow.A forever battle….

I realize that not everyone has the best memories of their childhood .I’ve always craved to have those warm memories though of growing up and sitting around the table and telling childhood stories and most of all hearing of the support and love families had and still have for each other…..I always felt like I had no place at all.I would go to sleep playing out a little game in my mind asking myself who’s family would I prefer to be in..would it my dads brothers or my moms best friends who were no doubt family just the same.I would cry myself to sleep wondering which I should chose.This pain hasn’t gone away and there will always be that sadness of what happened and the family unit that never existed .I’m thinking that’s where the food comes in.The food has no judgement and it’s always there to comfort me.When I’ve been hurting in the past,feeling alone,lost,scared, fearful,rejected ,unwanted I decided that stuffing my face with all kinds of foods would help ease the pain.I know for many this is the same.At the age of 56 I have no problem reaching out to strangers and speaking of my blog (or anything for that matter) it actually comes so easy for me today and makes my heart dance because as a kid growing up I spent a lot of time hiding behind my dads pant leg or pouting.Shy I am not but growing up I was painfully shy and I guess aging does this to some.This week as a matter of fact I was out and about and met the sweetest most helpful young girl,she was adamant to help find me something that I was looking for.We began chatting and she opened up to me about her size and her lifestyle sharing with me that she eats until she feels sick and she doesn’t know why…..she even shared her weight with me and I weighed the same and it looked to me so different.She didn’t appear heavy and I afterall was the largest person in the world? Distortion….that’s another story! So back to the 70’s….my mom was forced into the hospital and I’m guessing this is where it all began….the journey and the pain that my sister and I would face.I believe she went to my moms best friends and I was tossed with my uncle and his family.I sadly have no memory of what went on during those months except for this.I was in high school and walking home from school one day with a friend and I turned to the street and in the car passing us was my father and our priest.I turned to my friend and with my head down and dragging my feet I said to her “my mom died”……

A new light,a new day.Never giving up….ever.The bakeries that were once calling my name when I drove by and all the foods on that naughty list are slowly coming to a halt.A plan is hopeful and a detox is necessary.Get rid of the toxins and all the crazy habits that revisited.Some may find these words to hard to read but they are  real.If it hurts it’s because the truth does hurt.Nothing is meant to discourage but to express that you are not alone.If one could live in the wacky world of a person (just for a day )struggling with their weight and their food they would certainly want OUT and FAST! There is a calm after the storm.Until the next one hits that is and of course hoping and praying that this time will be different.Addiction…that nasty A word.It’s not a kind battle.Just allowing us to forgive ourselves and be gentle and positive is what is needed.Then each successful day turns into a new one and within days,weeks and months we’re on top of our mountain again.We are our worst  enemy no doubt but let there be hope and let us work this one day at a time…..let those images of our favorite foods dance their way out of our minds and bring in positive ones…..remembering that nothing tastes better than success! The holidays end and all is quiet and I will now invite you back into my childhood and the food factor…..lots more to read and I hope that you stay on for the ride.

Food has always played an important part of the planning…..for many of us I have no doubt.Especially at this time of year when most often we look forward to special treats that stay hidden from our minds until that gate opens and the race begins….and all of our favorite treats come dancing through….Well,for some after the holidays pass normal life returns until the next special occasion and so on…..however sadly for many others this could be disastrous.Why you may ask? It’s simple,we have given ourselves permission,thought of every excuse in the book and despite our clothes getting extremely uncomfortable we pacify ourselves with saying” it’s okay it’s the holidays! “This holiday habits dies hard for many…..Christmas secretly continues in our lives as others get back to the gym and begin to eat healthy.My life was like this for awhile and then like a light switch was turned off it  just disappeared.The discipline,the will and the strength to get back on track.Let me share with anyone reading my blog that there is no better feeling than feeling healthy,loving the reflection in the mirror and having your clothes fit you nicely and not timidly show every bulge off and choke every inch of you.You could actually open your closet and choose what you want to wear not have no choice and grab whatever may look acceptable let alone fit.Arghhhhhh….not fun one little bit.So when does one stop repeating this ugly pattern? An old friend of mine once said to me that although he never suffered with a weight issue he just didn’t get it…you want to lose weight than just stop eating! After spending many years hanging out with me and watching me go through what I do go through he one day said…”.well maybe it’s just not that simple,I’ve never been there so I shouldn’t say anything”.Right on! It’s easy to say “Just do it ” when it’s not your cross to bear! .We become what we think so let us all be gentle with ourselves as our feelings and thoughts of ourselves do become our reality….and we all know that amazing feeling of being in control and remembering  that food is our friend and not our enemy…a little giggle ..Christmas Eve we were all yanking at our firecrackers making noise and having fun when appeared out of mine was a measutring tape! Enough said !

The holidays are here….the special recipes come out of hiding,the goodies are hiding in tins, our favorite treats come out and show themselves off on our tabletops….countertops…..screaming our names…yum yum yum….it’s that glorious time where the diet and all thoughts of a food plan get tossed out the window.Oh I could bet my very last shortbread  cookie that more than half of us are promising ourselves that come January  we shall let the one of thousand diet plans begin……Yes you’re all agreeing aren’t you? Well….a little peak into my holiday mood this year..please c’mon in! My holiday outfits have shrunk,yes I said shrunk…how could this be possible? Last year they were feeling and looking oh so lovely on me.Well….that’s life in the land of the battle of the scale and the mind.Oh my scale has found a very snug corner in the washroom and it’s pouting….I almost feel it glaring at me.Thats okay too because very soon my feet will be slowly stepping back on gasping from the information that will flash at me……I will then move the scale to another place in the room and try again…..arghhhhhh…NO not those numbers again….the darn numbers I swore would never visit my scale ever,ever,ever again….bastards are back! And so the process begins…..the battle,the promises that we have made time and time again…..c’mon folks you know it,right? By the way who needs a scale…we all have a mirror or two in our homes and well the outfit that barely squeaks on is a sure indication that the scale hasn’t dropped….Well here  I go….I am surrendering to this otherwise what’s the purpose…..we are who we are.We all have our battles! My promise to me is to think health and not be so obsessed with those numbers and that mirror that I always pray is distorted.I am healthy other than my weight and reaching a certain age this is a true blessing….I don’t want to take this for granted so yes in the near future the plan will be to stay heathy and bet my last cookie  that the scale will drop with new hope and the right attitude! Let you not feel alone,any of you out there reading this.We are  where we are and we cannot change this so let us all be grateful and know there is hope tomorrow.Wishing you all a guilt free and wonderful peaceful holiday.From all of me ❤️ Stay tuned….

Every thought has to do with food….okay, well maybe not every thought but darn close.I’m thinking that food must be the very hardest battle, as one must eat….being an ex smoker I must say that was easy compared to this battle.Once you get over it and realize that under any given circumstance you must not even touch one you’re recovering…succeeding.Food…..glorious food….the four letter word that has taken my life away from me..really I must say that it has.I have no doubt that many of you reading this will get me and some may think I’m crazy.It’s all good because I am being real, honest and sharing my darkest moments…and many more to come.Why? Some have said they hope it helps me….well it is for many reasons.As I write I pray  that the right eyes are reading my words.The pain that obesity brings on is beyond belief.Some march forward and smile but truthfully they are terribly sad inside.I speak to many people that are just at the end of their rope….or at the end of the scale…..yes they cannot even weigh themselves on a normal scale….the numbers don’t go high enough.Speaking for myself….and tears flowing as I share this the years have been hard,painful and exhausting.My battle never ends…the scale has been celebrated and also thrown across the floor.When does this end? What happens in our minds….where is that switch that goes from having such discipline and control to not even being able to find the switch at all…the actual thought of flicking it on is beyond belief.How I am feeling is the path to everything I do..how I react…how I plan…..you see it does control me.Now that I am more mature I do put on my happy face and do what I have to do but trust me it’s not always so easy.If I listened to my ugly negative thoughts the outcome wouldn’t be very nice.So today’s blog is dedicated to all those that are hating themselves because of what the mirror shows them…but truly this is just a cover a blanket and what’s inside of the wrapping is what so matters…most of us are so emotional and sensitive that this is the outcome…we hurt we eat….we’re happy we eat…we’re sad we eat…..it’s emotional so emotional…..so please know that those that do judge should most likely be looking in their mirrors…we shall do this together.❤️ I’ll be back ….

So, I was asked when I would get happier in my blogs…..it’s coming.For now this is what my memory serves me so this is what I share.The raw truth.Many guests,dinners and lots of company as always.Funny enough I remember my mom lying on the couch in the sunken family room off to the back of the house with the fire roaring and the tv on…..probably watching The Lawrence Welk Show, Carol Burnett or The Pig and Whistle…those were the days right? She would ask me all the time to please rub her feet….and well need I say  more? Maybe, just maybe that’s why I crave a home with a sunken den and I chose to help people feel better through touching their feet! Our minds work in mysterious ways.I feel today that through my work in touching people and the invitation this welcomes to share their thoughts and their lives with me as they do I always have a little angel of luck sitting on my shoulder….sure hope so ! So,a memory I must share that has always stayed  with me.My mom was up north escaping from her life in town and the hurt.She loved it up north and chose to end her last living days there until forced by the Dr himself to come to town and enter the hospital.It was sad and I have always wondered where my little siss was through this and just recently she shared that she was there all alone with our sick mom….Well, where was I ?  Why was I not with her ? Why? I just don’t remember….it’s very painful to write all of this but I have the desire so here I am.I also know that deep in my heart that this will bring me closer to my little siss. It helps us understand how this has effected us and caused so much pain.My cousin was in from New Jersey that summer which made me so happy.We decided to come into town for something and when we got to the house there was someone there….Apparently my dad told my cousin Doreen, named after my mom,that it was the housekeeper and not to worry! I was mortified ,she was wearing a negligee and had curlers in her hair. I only put all of the pieces together afterwards.Probably after he secretly married her the month after mom passed and didn’t want my sister or myself to know…..that’s the next chapter…..stay tuned!

We often block times,events and people that have hurt us.Moving was painful and as I sit to write I find myself feeling very unsure of the events,the order of them and the time.The fortunate part is that I could always come back and change it up.Looking back I often feel like it wasn’t really my life it was someone elses.Maybe a common thing for many of us as we look back and cannot believe that all these years have passed us by and some of the events and people that have passed through.I have a very active mind that has trouble to rest.Apparently it’s even on full speed during the quiet hours of the night when we should all be sleeping soundly.The doors are always wide open sorting,planning,thinking,solving,worrying,wondering about people and their actions and questioning them and then myself.It is exhausting…..it’s all being worked on though which is the good news.Its never too late….until it’s too late! I remember the big stunning wooden double doors that were so inviting and took my breath away at the age of 11 ( maybe11?)….trying desperately to figure out the time line.As you entered in this house my first memory was that it was heaven……just a beautiful house.The problem was that it was never a home….and that the size,value and decor really had nothing to do with making any of us happy.To prove this is the times we each spent in this house and the unhappiness we each experienced.I was again reaching out for the food trying to find comfort and searching for an escape from my sadness,lonliness,fear and unhappiness….my mom escaped to our counrty home where her glass filled with a dark coloured liquid and ice cubes constantly clattering together had become her best friend and my dad,well sadly he was off finding interest in very young numbers….lets say 21 at the time.My sister was going through her hell that she later came out to share in her book “With All My Heart”..all to say your house must become your home…it’s the happiness that is created inside that makes it yours and that so makes it your home! Safe,warm,peaceful,relaxing…..home sweet home.