My parents decided that we were moving.I don’t remember much but I know I was sad.I had to say good bye to all my friends that were like my little family.Although still close by things changed as much as I prayed that they wouldn’t .I knew every house on the street.Especially the one at the end that I felt so happy visiting.I remember fondly Mrs A making me cream of wheat in the morning.Boy that was exciting…..all the play dates.Running off to the park and playing forever. Playing hide and seek. All the games in front of the house,playing champ,setting off the caps with little rocks,riding our bikes.In the winter we would climb the ginormous mountains of snow on our front lawns….those were the real wintery snowy days.I guess memories of having a normal life and something I knew.Gross,but having my first puffs of a cigarette with my friend A.G and almost choking to death….wonder if she remembers this? My moms friend down the street with her two children. I so remember the little adorable girl with the blonde curls and not far from them the couple I addressed as auntie and uncle who later on in life became my grandparents through marriage.Unbeleiveable…..I loved going there too,she was one of the best cooks ever.The house close to them that had five kids I believe,a real fun family. I would play up in their family room and I remember feeling like I wish I belonged to a family like that..they were so close and the house seemed so filled with love.I have bumped into them here and there in the last years and when I see them I absolutely fall back to my safe place on Revere street but at the same time makes me feel so very sad.Then we moved and everything changed.My memory tells me we had a few years in the new house that was so beautiful,my mom was in love.Some things I remember but one thing I know was that my best friends were still the chocolate bars from Perrette’s and the donuts from the little store in the Center of town.The candy store where I bought so many black balls,jaw breakers and all kinds of candies.( yuk) I seriously can’t believe I still have my own teeth! Things must have been out of sorts and I didn’t really know it.The food comforted me I guess…. I was still running for it all and I do remember hiding all of the wrappers in my drawers and then they were all discovered and I think I actually said that they weren’t mine….are you kidding me? Who did they belong to then? Lots of food dates with friends….when we got together we planned not what we would do but what we would eat! The friends I do remember still have food issues today……so very heart breaking.Some have emailed me personally after reading my blog and I do hope they feel free to add to this as my memory has faded.Sadly it was always about food.Again,filling that hole that was impossible to be filled ….but we all know what ended up getting filled …..arghhhhh everything was tight.I have no doubt my whole image of myself,that being very negative,all began back then.I’m fat therefore I’m ugly and no one loves me and the recording when on to play forever and ever….never stopping.I also lost contact with my friends that meant so much to me….where did they go? This was the beginning of the disconnect for me…..the beginning of not fitting in anywhere……until this day.
Heavy pockets for a lonely heart……
Fond memories of what came to be the home I so loved,the one I fall back to in search of the happy times…..the home filled with people,family from New Jersey that made my heart dance.The very loud backyard with folks having great times by the swimming pool.The Lebanese side partying in our living room dancing and the derbake ( Arabic drum) being played and folks singing in Arabic and howling with laughter.Hours of begging my dad and Uncle George to take us ,my best friend ever in the whole wide, wide universe to Belmont Park…..at times we just had to play our card games over the phone.The shows we would put on for our parents and their friends and ask for money.The numerous card games in the basement.Hanging out in the sun room,playing games…..I close my eyes and feel safe although my relationship with food was born and grew at the very same time.Bittersweet…..So one last memory of this home that I want to share for now was scrambling for coins and or bills in my moms purse,in drawers,on the counter and finally the best find of all my dads trouser pockets,I swear I’m in them right now,nervously searching for money and boy I struck gold.I was so excited to find not coins but a neatly folded bunch of bills…..I took the one hundred dollar bill. What nerve I had? It was all good because he would never know because there were so many ! Right? WRONG! All I know is that I spent it on chocolate bars at Macy’s Drug Store….in Rockland Shopping Center.Could you imagine? I’m grateful that I have my own teeth at this point! What could I say? Why? Why? Why? I’m guessing it was my escape,I just didn’t feel like I belonged…..and more on this will come.So, have no doubt that my dad wasn’t a fool.He asked to speak with me in his very raspy,gruff and throaty voice.I was frightened to pieces.This is what I remember ,he was beside me in the spare room where he often napped during the day,he told me that because he was my father that this would be a lesson to learn from and understand that had it been anyone else I had stolen from that the police would be here and I’d be tossed in jail.Behind cold bars,dark and all alone.Holy everything, I was horrified and cried my heart out and said how sorry I was and this would never happen again..never,ever…..hmmmmmmm…..
HALLOWEEN ..WHERE DOES IT START AND WHERE DOES IT END?
For those that get it……and okay even for those that don’t please take a ride with me into the lives of us who have had relationships with food that have caused us so many emotions in one single bite…..guilt,pleasure,pain,shame,joy,….on and on and on and on and of course failure….it just never ends.Their small,easy to pop into our mouthes and easy to hide …..hmmmmm….back in the 60’s and 70’s these weren’t so easily available (unless it was Halloween ) as they are today.It doesn’t have to be a holiday anymore there are bite sized candies everywhere…..Back then a drive to Platsburgh was the thing..the plan…where all the goodies were….( yap,yet another blog) I remember fondly my dear dad looking through my huge pillow case and of course grabbing all his faves and I’d have the rest..well did I? I remember being told not to eat too much of course and truly the memory of it all is a little blurry.I did get over the moon excited though to see all of my best friends in one big huge,deep bag! Hated getting apples back then….Today there are candies,chocolates of all sizes and shapes……their displayed of course on their own shelves and aisles but not only there but everywhere…..at every freakin’ cash there is a display of chocolates playing with my head.Im waiting to pay for my new panties or a bra and now I’m dealing with the chocolates sitting there winking and flirting at me…..plus every other place they’re hiding in! The hair salons even at the mechanics ……everywhere!!! I know I’m not alone but as I mentioned this at dinner this past week to four very slender woman actually speaking of the treats they had already eaten I went on to a explain how they stop afterwards but for many of us this leads to days ,weeks,months sometimes years of wrong eating..cheating…binging …weight gain! There was silence……I’ll always remember bumping into a good friend at the store,she was frantically grabbing bags of Halloween candies and tossing them into her basket and actually slightly out of breath….I asked her what was wrong? She looked at me laughingly saying it was her third round buying candies as she ate them all and now had to find the exact ones as her husband had seen them all and would wonder where they had all gone? That hit me harder than you could ever know….yes I laughed at the moment but actually cried later on as I have no doubt she did as well.The other sad thing is her that husband I’m sure knew as well…..for reasons I don’t need to mention now do I? I could honestly share with you that at least twice a week I go to the store and in my head have planned to buy a chocolate bar or two….I look at them and of course look around me because I’M OVERWEIGHT AND AFTERALL EVERYONE OUT THERE WILL JUDGE ME so my head dictates to me…..and then I end up walking out with nothing …..but the anxiety I went through is completely insane.Will this ever end? Just for the record I haven’t bought Halloween treats in years….. They’re no longer invited nor are they welcome in my home as I just can’t handle that kind of company!
SUCH A PRETTY FACE, WHAT A SHAME!
Really? What is the shame here? The pretty face or what’s attached to that pretty face? Am I a monster of sorts? What’s wrong? They say that what you see is just the cover and one must look inside to know,understand and love what’s inside! From such a very tender young age I would wrap myself around my dads leg,especially when meeting people ….I wanted to hide.Now tell me where do these feelings come from? We all know what peoples words could do to us dont we? As the old story goes….ten people could tell us how wonderful we look and then that one person comes along and says something like ” gee’s your looking tired today” Now come on……you all know that’s the comment that ruins the day,that sits heavy! Wow,what an impact others have on us.I am working hard at choosing my words as I could be explosive at times especially when those around you deeply hurt you.So think before you speak…..really,really if it’s not nice just bite your tongue.It’s a slow process but best to be aware then not try at all.So growing up I heard this way too often.Does it shock me and many others out there that we don’t feel accepted today in society because we’re not that perfect body walking around.Ya know that perfect body that should be attached to that ” pretty” face.Even today with all I have learned I still find myself looking around the cafe, pub,restaurant ……looking at all the slim people around wondering what their story is.We all have one no doubt.I go to the weight issue of course…if their overweight I have an urge to talk with them and if their not I feel how very lucky they are not to have this one problem that has consumed me all of my life.I then remind my warped self that I have no idea of their story….most have issues with food….who knows what their battling with? My eyes see slender so it’s a given that they do not deal with this dreadful challenge of food.Chances are they could be suffering one of many food issues.Sadly in my head they’re not FAT so they win!! Even in my adulthood I have been told just recently how critical a few of my friends spouses have been in general and I have been mentioned in that pool of criticism …..yes she should lose weight but she has such a pretty face! OMG…brought me right back…..to years ago.The difference now is that I am me and those that know me get me….My weight will most likely yoyo until I die.Those that criticize should take a peek in their own mirrors.
You should be hungry before you eat? No one told me this…..
I’m guessing I wasn’t ever really (stomach) hungry as a kid growing up.Iwas feeding something very far and different from hunger for food.I needed that security it kind of soothed the pain I had inside and the loneliness and fear of not being accepted and loved.The only time I really could say I have felt hunger is when I was really and truly watching my diet.Otherwise how could one feel hungry when they were always eating.Never getting full because something within was very different,we didn’t have the normal food gage like others.Our thermometers were all bent out of shape.My tummy could have been full but that void wasn’t so I kept trying to fill it up until it just had no more room amd we all know what happens after that.Then we beat ourselves up because we are not normal,who would understand someone finishing a huge meal and then going through a drive thru on the way home? So you do understand it’s not the tummy crying for food right? Then hoping and praying no one sees us……My drive thru days are over I must say and if ever I would go through it would be for a real meal time I’m guessing.Now when I’m on a healthy eating plan and meal time approaches all of a sudden even the carrots are looking stunningly attractive to me where as when I’m eating everything that doesn’t move its the last thing I’ll hit on. I often hear people saying that they take appetite suppressants or that certain meds take away their appetite….really? Appetite to eat….you mean you need to be hungry? Huh? I’m lost,if that were the case I’d be as svelte as ever.I truly eat for every other reason….I’m sharing because I know many of you could and do relate.We’ve spoken about this and you all know who you are.The other folks that have no idea may find this shocking.Like when my neighbor ( friend) walked over and said” you didn’t really eat six icecream sandwiches now did you”? I wanted to burst out laughing or maybe burst out crying! Yes,actually I’ve also eaten a few large chocolate bars one after the other…and then of course the chips for that hit of salt and then yes let us literally bounce back to the sugar! Can’t share too much about this yet.This will be for another blog.Its actually heart wrenching to know what goes on in the minds of us who suffer from being over weight.Oh you absolutely have no clue. It’s terribly exhausting… .My relationship with food has been warped,twisted,confusing and total hell. Even today I will share with you that when I’m feeling any kind of emotion…joy,excitement ,sadness, fear,loneliness,worry I do have visions of food dancing through my mind.It soothes me for some crazy reason and for the most part today at the age of 56 I could usually work it out and not eat through it.It would calm me down it was my secret affair.My affair with food.It would be there and if it wasn’t I could buy whatever it was I wanted.It wouldn’t reject me or hurt me so I thought! So getting back to the having to be hungry? Nothing to do with it……it’s a whole different bag of popcorn with each kernel filled with a different emotion…..you eat through the bag nothing has changed but your pants sure get tighter and hence the merry go round! Oh,what a ride!
HELP!! It’s that time again……we’re going shopping for clothes ….
Scared,nervous,anxious and these were just a few of my feelings.For most it would be the best day ever to go shopping with your mom.For myself it was truly a nightmare a dreadful day ahead.A day filled with whispers coming from my mom and the sales ladies hearing things like ” oh that will never fit her and oh she’s too large for that”. I would cry in the fitting rooms looking at the clothes I SO wanted to fit my body but they didn’t.I would even say little prayers asking that the clothes would fit me if only I could stretch them out and why didn’t they come in a bigger size? .My mom so disappointed but would buy me anything and everything that did fit…..probably not our first choice but it fit.With this said as I write and share I have no doubt that my mom did love me and want the best for me but had no clue how to deliver this message.My wish would be for her to have lived past the age of 48 and that we come to know each other and love each other like true mother and daughter.Who knows how it would have been,I could only dream.I was thirteen when she passed .Her last words concerning me were to have me lose weight to help me….I must admit it has been a very sad and difficult journey not having a mom, that one woman in your life that will accept you no matter what,there was no replacement in the world for that loss…….. but with this said I know many have had it much worse but this is my story..Today this explains my feeling like a monster when my weight is up to the point of feeling like I must almost stay in hiding when not in full control.As I continue to write and share it won’t be all that pretty but it will be what I’ve lived and still do live today.By sharing my closest of friends have come to understand where my insecurities and sensitivity comes from today.It has not always been easy for them but once they came to understand they loved me even more….( giggles) I have struggled with addictions to shopping as well as food in my adult life.It’s a trip I tell you and could be quite the challenge at the best of times.Today I work at controlling both.I have no doubt that both addictions have made me feel so happy and comforted but for a very short time the outcome is not worth the binge one little bit.Actually it is much worse in so many ways.Finally,today I could say the feeling of resisting is far better than caving in….it’s gives us power,strength and great satisfaction.Today,I’ll close off with this…..be gentle on yourselves,be kind and patient.Learn from yesterday and live today and look forward to tomorrow.Surround yourself with good energy and people that bring you up not down…….we are all a work in progress and life is so very short and precious.
How many ravioli come in a tin of Chef Boyardee?
Back to the family room where lunch would be served to both my sister and I.Memories of coming home from school at lunch time and the big massive (Zenith) TV would be set to the channel where Bewitched,That Girl and the Flintsones would entertain us.What a nice warm feeling in my belly and of course the steaming hot ravioli in a bowl making its way to our TV trays that each one of us had waiting for us in front of the couch.When I think back I so wish I had grabbed my little china doll of a sister and hugged her tight, tight and tell her that she was so darned adorable.She was too and looking back I of course wish I could have protected her from what was to come….little did I know.( perhaps the problem I face with her new book that she has a book signing for today) So back to those tins of ravioli …how many ravioli come in a tin? I bet you have no clue! Well,I certainly do have the answer…..there are 15 ravioli in a tin.Hmmmm…..my tiny little sister got 8 and I got 7. Now why was this? How come she always got the one extra in her plate? She ate very little so of course I would pinch them of her plate…poor kid.I have no doubt that our mom knew because I remember a few dirty looks….like the ” if looks could kill” type of looks. She also said “Cathy you dont need to eat a lot you have to lose weight” OH my food became such an issue so long ago……could anyone out there relate to this story? Please share! Funny enough even today when served food in a restaurant I alway check the size of the portion out and work it out in my ever struggling brain to be normal……even to last night when we were served coleslaw I actually noticed that my gf’s little bowl was much fuller….hers was like coming up and over the rim of the bowl.Ha…now this is crazy.It’s coleslaw for heavens sake…..but this is how my brain functions….Anyways there’s not a time that goes by when I see those cans on the shelves that I don’t go back to my family room and have lunch on my TV tray with my little siss.
The hypnotist and the blanket….
Please allow me to bring you back to my favorite home in TMR.The house was always full…such treasured memories when I think back to those days.Cousins from New Jersey would come in the summer time,my moms sister and her family.( The Scottish side) I remember all of us sleeping on our basement floor on a big huge round carpet that had all kinds of colours in it.Behind us was a huge chalkboard on the wall that had chains on either side that turned into a table when my parents entertained…so cool.Lets not forget the secret rooms off to the right of the basement where we would play for hours and hours….mostly memories with my bestie D! I know she remembers it all.My dad always had cousins from out of town as well,from Lebannon and Brazil.One memory stands out so clearly. A Dr friend ,another Uncle,was in from Lebannon.He apparently was an amazing ENT and guess what? He was a hypnotist ! He hypnotized people ….wow. At my young age I was going to participate in this.We were perhaps 6-8 people,not too sure.We were in our cozy den in our split level. I was all covered up in my cuddly blanket that my Nana made .I rememeber watching someone go under and we were all laughing uncontrollably watching them do these silly things…..then the next memory I have is still fuzzy but I certainly remember the purpose of it all and being extremely upset.He was trying to find out why I always had a towel around me when outside at the pool or a blanket when inside of the house……WHY? Well,my guess was I was hiding myself…after all this is what I had to do for whatever reason.How does such a young child get to feel like this? I want to say I know why but I’m not absolutely sure so….I was very young, maybe anywhere from the age of 6 on……..where did all of this come from? I was obviously ashamed of my body at such a young age…was I under or do I remember the chatter afterwards? I do remember being terribly hurt and ashamed that this all came up in front of an audience……I was hurting.Today, I do spot the children at the pool,beach and elsewhere who have a little extra fluffiness about them and when I do see them hiding under their towels or covered up in warm clothing when it’s scorching hot outside I can’t help but to wonder.I want to pull them away and tell them how wonderful they are and to embrace who they are…….in my heart I hope that this blog and any of the ones I have written and will come to write help someone somewhere…..the child,teenager,parent……
The problem with the single ice cream sandwich ….
I’m not sure about your relationship with ice cream sandwiches but it is quite impossible for me to be anything near normal when I see one.Yes, they come in so many different sizes,shapes and flavours today.What could I say? My taste buds dance with excitement and my mouth waters excitedly when I even think of having one or …..well you will soon understand..As I close my eyes and remember the days with my mom.Memories of my first home with my parents makes me feel like I’m going back to my little safe place in my mind another life time ago where I was that child that struggled oh so much with her secret love for food and was made to always feel so wrong and most important so different.I shouldn’t have any treats because I was “fat” afterall.I say safe place funny enough even though my relationship with food was born in this house it’s still makes me tear with such cherished memories.Perhaps because this is where I had a mom and a dad and no matter what the realtionship I had two parents.The house was busy,food always on the stove, cakes in the oven.Friends in and out,our backyard was the party place in the summer with a perfect swimming pool and cabanos in the corner, three of them actually where we could go and change and even a staircase off of the the back of the house leading you to the main powder room in our home.This was too cool for me….I still say this was and is the best house ever on the planet.Now I will begin to share the connection of the ice cream sandwiches and the powder room.It was Thursday afternoon,moms grocery shopping day at Steinbergs and dinner at Cascades at Rockland Shopping Ceneter.(For those of you that do remember the original open mall, Rockland Shopping Center please feel free to share your memories,I’d love to hear them I do remember that mall,like I had been there yesterday.) So off we went to do the groceries and as we’re walking up and down the aisles my mom tosses a box of ice cream sandwiches in the grocery cart.I’m sure I was excited but I don’t really remember.This is what I do remember…..were back home unpacking the big brown crunchy bags of groceries and ummmmm….I have the sandwiches in my little hands and place them into the freezer,geez,again I feel like this was this morning,Anyways it wasn’t, it was back in the 60’s.Mom was distracted and I remember grabbing an ice cream and bolting for the powder room…..I ate it all up in quite the panic and wiped my face and teeth clean as we all know how that wafer loves hanging out on our teeth and then I popped back into the kitchen.Yikes,I was horrified because what if mom sees that a sandwich has gone missing?? She will of course because there were no longer six in the box the new number was five! Mom was busy yacking on the phone back in the day where we were attached to it as it was mounted to the wall with the curly wire so I knew I was good to go,well to bolt actually.I quietly and very nervously opened up the freezer door and grabbed the box and locked myself into the powder room.Now it was just me and the five ice creams ..so what now? I so didn’t want to be yelled at and told how bad I was and that I was too fat to eat these luscious treats so YES I ate all five so that she wouldn’t know that I had even had one let alone all six .A few days later mom is calling for me and asks if I had seen them and I remember saying that I never,ever even remember unpacking them..she went on and on saying she had bought them and I finally thought I had convinced her that the young boy packing our grocery bags must have missed them……..I have no doubt today that she absolutely knew where they had gone Today, how do you think I feel when I eat one ? How crazy is all of this? All I could tell you is beware how you speak to your little ones! I’ll be back to continue my journey with you.❤️
Uncle George and the chocolate balls……,
I’m guessing my room was my safe place….the rest of the house always filled with laughter, parties and lots of singing and playing of the darbuka ( Arabic drum). My sharing with you is what I was feeling but there were plenty of happy times. I came to learn about those times much later on in my life but still want to believe it was my magical time .Our home was always filled with visitors in both winter and summer.My parents had quite the social life happening,possibly why I’ve always liked a house filled with people and being surrounded by friends.Although I must admit as the years creep up I do enjoy my quiet times more and more.Still love company but in smaller groups….Probably because my door has always been wide open and more than often the party was here…I have a passion for bringing my friends together.Mind you that was yesterday, today I feel much differently or is it that life has changed as have the relationships in my life..whatever the case I will always treasure those times without regret and when I do look back they have taught me a lesson …something I’ll discuss much later on in my blogging. Now back to the 60’s….I’m playing in our more than inviting and cozy Florida room,I guess today it’s called a solarium.I loved watching the rain and or snow fall while sitting in there playing with my cousin,D,who really was my best family friend ever in the whole wide world.Let alone the numerous card games,concentration was a fave and I would insist we played at our round glass kitchen table.Poor tiny D,yes I said tiny,her knick name was” skinny – so ” and guess what mine was? We would play at that table for hours it seemed and I’d be bending down pretending to pick things up off the floor and of course looking at all the cards..concentration was fun! Poor D she never got it……we laugh about it today.Back to Uncle G he was visiting and guess what? He thought of me when he was really over to visit my baby sister…..and he brought me a tall slender container jammed full of Laura Secord chocolate balls wrapped up in the shiniest foil my eyes had ever,ever seen.Most exciting they were all mine.Mom reminded me to not eat them all…….I dashed up those stairs and disapeared and that’s all I remember was opening them up one at a time and being so very happy……and rolling up the foil wrappers in Kleenex so mom wouldn’t find them…where did they all go? Take a look at me and as the days,weeks,months and years went by of course we all knew I was wearing all of the food that mysteriously disappeared …..stay tuned for the next blog ,my affair with ice cream sandwiches!
MY SCALE OF LIFE 