It  hurts my head to go back and open all the files in my mind….it’s so unclear.The one thing I do know is that the marriage was hush hush and took place  a month after my mom passed away.Finally she was the  woman in the negligee that my dad had called the cleaning woman( passed blog) I was shipped to my uncles home ( the “C “of C & M ) and my sister was at my moms best friends who became like family of course.We were separated and this should never have happened,ever.The reason I have no doubt for the pain that was to come and the emotional fight we’ve alway struggled with.I know that at the young age of eight my little sister fell silent for a good years time.Her little precious face and little tiny body went quiet….she spoke not a word for about a year.Where was I ? Why were we not together….who could have made better decisions for my father who was not present or honestly fit to do this.I often wonder how the adults allowed for this.My sister and I should have been close….so close.Thats one huge hole in my heart which open the flood gates all to often.When surrounded by love,support and family we could get though so very much.The comfort of having a family that you could go to in itself is healing.We were torn apart and the family I so adored, cherished, loved and idolized came to be but another tremendous disappointment.Love is a strong word as is hate….I could very safely say that the love wasn’t real and that I will never hate as a result of this….but my heart is scarred and the outcome isn’t easy to deal with.It does create one highly sensitive human being.Everyone has dreams.I have always wanted a family,a real family….a family that I could truly say is mine.You could pick up the phone and say whatever you need to say.Ring the doorbell and walk right on in.No matter what your differences you still come together for special occasions and holidays.Some thing that just never was in my life …once again food was my comfort.